Aunt Erica

Tears sprung to my mom’s eyes as she squealed with joy. She always cries reading Mother’s Day cards but this time was different. My brother and sister-in-law revealed they were expecting: surprise, grandma!

My whole family jumped up to congratulate and celebrate. Yet in that moment I couldn’t help but get a knot in my throat at how bittersweet the news was for me. Of course I’m thrilled for them and happy to become an aunt. But along with hugs and kisses that big reveal also came with the stark reality of just how different my brother and my lives were. That right as he is growing and flourishing, I am crumbling.

It’s not like I didn’t know this would happen. He was born perfectly healthy, not even a carrier of the CF gene. We were on opposite sides of the Punnett square. And now our lives are going in opposite directions.

I’m genuinely so happy for him. He started a new job at a big-time company with a huge salary bump, he’s finishing his Master’s, and now he’s becoming a father. But I also sometimes feel envious and a little bit bitter. To watch your sibling thrive in all aspects of life while you struggle to maintain balance walking quickly or have to count out your pills for the day is…I don’t even know the words.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to have children, and I’m not a big kid-person anyways, so it worked in my favor. No bitterness there. But the fact that mere hours after that announcement my brother had to help me walk into the ocean is a sick irony.

When I finally met him, my nephew (I totally called it was going to be a boy), it was magnificent. He’s so funny with his silly faces and his nonstop noises. He’s very talkative, which I’ll claim he got from me, thank you very much.

“He’s so locked into you,” my dad said. I rolled my eyes. But over the next few days, I was beginning to see it. I’m not good with holding babies. But the first time I met him and held him, he fell asleep in my arms. And when other people were holding him, I’d catch him staring at me.

I was playing with him and as he was smiling and giggling away tears unexpectedly sprung to my eyes. I quickly blinked them away in surprise. What was happening to me? It had suddenly hit me that I didn’t know how much of his life I would see. I didn’t know how many years I could play with him or if I could watch him grow up into a young man. I wondered when my brother would explain what was wrong with Aunt Erica.

It will only get harder as I become sicker. But at least I’m alive to meet him. Hopefully, one day I’ll be able to have a conversation with him about it all.